Expectations — What To Do About Them?

Expectations — the story behind it and why it causes so much pain

Over time, as we get to know a person, we build an idea about them in our mind. This idea is based on a certain time and space, on a certain way this person may have acted with us. Or if you look deeper, it is actually how we perceive this person has acted with us. This perception is filtered through the lens of our past experiences and upbringing. We carry this idea of that person with us as time goes on. However, naturally, that person and their ways are going to change. We don’t see it — and indeed it is hard to see — because our mind, the beast, tells us a story all the time that the person has to act this way.

This is one aspect of expecting something from another. But there is another, which we don’t talk about much.

In relationships, friendships, marriage, and all human connections — we expect the other person not to have expectations of us. You see the loop here? When one says to someone, “I don’t want you to have expectations from me,” you are actually expecting the person to change, without realising that their mind, their conditioning, can’t just vanish into the air like that. They are going to expect things from you, because you are expecting them not to expect things from you. This loop starts conversations which lead to friction, pain, and heartbreak in many relationships.

But how do we fix this? How do we let people be as they are? This is a two-way street, and we need to understand many aspects of human relationships to be able to allow a life that is peaceful.

The first aspect is that we need to practice more observation and silence. Our minds need to be trained to listen, observe, recognise, realise — without wanting to change anything in the other. We need to listen to others like we listen to the sound of a bird: listening without giving it meaning. We need to listen without wanting to respond, or expecting the other person to say or behave in the way we want them to. We need to listen simply to listen, with a mind that doesn’t give meaning but realises that what is speaking to you is the universe itself — your own reflection.

It is not easy realising this truth and keeping quiet when your mind tells you the story that the other person needs to be like this with you: they should have no expectations, they should say this, they should not say that. You think the other person’s mind is so aware and open that they can see past their desires and traumas — but no. Minds are conditioned. They will always be conditioned.

What we are saying is to be trained in such a way that you can listen to anything — anything at all — without giving it meaning. Because meaning is always linked to your conditioning, to what you think is right and wrong. So slow down. Observe your own thoughts when someone says something you don’t like, and respond with silence. That is the only way the other will also recognise the depth of conversations and have time for introspection. Only this way can a relationship and conversation move into harmony. Only this way can we create a space where we are eager to listen to the other with love, not wanting anything from them. Not wanting them to give us something. Not even wanting them not to expect from us.

Every word, every expression, every sound, every sigh — is observed with love. And then your mind is free. Totally free to observe and not judge whatever was said. Because you see, whatever was said, is always coming from a place of love. If someone wants something from you, they are saying it from a place of love. Granted, you may not be able to give it to them, but at least you can listen. Be there. Hold the space. Recognise.

If we want others not to expect anything and be in a flow state, we must first allow them to express what they desire — and listen to it. Without the need to act, respond, or react. If both sides talk to each other in this way, if we humans can find a new way of communicating, will there ever be friction or war? If our minds wake up enough to listen to a friend’s words like the voice of a bird, will there ever be a problem? If our minds recognise that when I hear something from someone, whatever thoughts arise in my mind are not true, and the mind observes it and lets it go — will there ever be war?

Because when you hear something you don’t like, when you hear something you want to change, when you expect something from someone, or when you expect them not to expect something — all of this is noise of the ego. All of it.

In the process of “this is right, this is wrong,” of “you should say this,” of “I expect this,” of “I don’t want you to expect” — in all of this drama of thought, we lose sight of the simple truth of what is. We lose the intimacy of life. We forget that we came here to experience and observe all of this — all of life — to see the detail of it, the depth of it, without judgement.

In this drama, we lose ourselves. We forget that we are not our thoughts, not our ideas and concepts — but something completely different in nature. We forget ourselves — the observer of our thoughts.

Practical Tip: Calm your body, remove your pain, so your mind is quiet and it has the ability to listen, without judgment, to whatever someone is saying to you. If you start, the other will follow. Meditation is of course, one way, but deep Yin style stretches, Somatic work, relaxing music, releasing trauma, massage and all modalities which help your mind to be focused inwards and not outwards. Because if your mind and body are in pain, without realising that pain talks for you.